Alison's sister has a graduation dinner this evening, and we have been trying to find the perfect present to give to her this evening. I spent most of Monday this week trying to locate it through its normal retailer, only to find out that the present is out of stock throughout London, and the chances of finding one before today were slim. We were able to find a shop online in Lancashire who yes, had the item in stock, and yes, allowed me to order it over the phone yesterday. Oh yeah, the most important bit was that they would ship it Special Delivery, which Royal Mail guarantees delivery by 1300 the next day. That, I told the retailer, would be fantastic. Job is done, and all I have to do is wait for it to show up today.

Roll on 1330 this afternoon. I call the retailer to tell them that the present hasn't arrived yet. They are shocked, surprised, etc. They get the tracking number, they call customer services, they call me back. They are sincerely upset that the item hasn't been delivered. Royal Mail tells them that I will definitely have it by 1300 the next day. They continue with apologies and will refund my delivery charge, as Royal Mail will refund it to them. Entirely not their fault, and the merchants are extremely apologetic and helpful.

Armed with the tracking code, I decide to utilise the 'Track and Trace' feature of the Royal Mail website:

Great. Time to call Customer Services. The first automated voice (let's call her Eliza) that speaks to me gives me to option to 'Track and Trace' again (but did I know that I can also do this on their website? Fantastic!). I speak the code clearly and Eliza tells me that "My item is currently progressing through their network for delivery.". Great! Did they know I can also get the same answer from their website? Fantastic! I press a button on the phone to enquire further and am given more options. There's another ad for their website services stuck in there. Eliza asks me that if I want to speak to someone, I should say the word 'Advisor'. I do so. Call me stupid, but it's at this point I expect to be put through directly to a human.

But Eliza's back again and she's offering me something else. I swear at her and am then put through to her identically-voiced sister who assures me that all the customer services lines are busy at the moment, I'm in a queue, my call is important to them and, hey, did I know that I can use the services on their website to 'Track and Trace'? Fantastic!

I finally get through to Robert and he's dull as toast. He takes my tracking code and tells me that the package is somewhere between the main sorting office and the Streatham sorting office.

Me: "Okay, well that's not very good. I need the package today."
Him: "Well, you'll probably get it tomorrow."
Me: "But I need it today. What can you do to track it?"
Him: "We can only track it when it gets scanned in at the sorting stations. Right now it's in-between them."
Me: "Is there anything I can do? Can I go to the local sorting office?"
Him: "No. It's not the delivery address."
Me: "Okay. So can you give me a best guess on the slim chances of it possibly arriving today?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Just a guess."
Him: "No."

It felt more like this though:

Me: "But I need it today. What can you do to track it?"
Him: "Nothing. Our network is made up of shoelaces and jelly babies. The jelly baby that was assigned to your package has lost his voice and can't scream loud enough for our elephant radar to hear and track."
Me: "Is there anything I can do? Can I go to the local sorting office?"
Him: "You could do that, but you'd only get someone surlier than me. Also, snails will eat your toes."
Me: "Okay. So can you give me a best guess on the slim chances of it possibly arriving today?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Just a guess."
Him: "Have you tried our website services?"

"A written assurance that some product or service will be provided or will meet certain specifications."

So, if we accept that as the definition of a guarantee, it feels like there is no definition of an anti-guarantee. What happens if the guarantee is broken? Does a guarantee exist in this state?

Instead of trying hard to enforce their guaranteed policy, Royal Mail would rather refund the delivery charge, which in this case is worth only £5. So this leads me to believe that guarantees are worth only £5 in England. It is, after all a wholly-owned government company and from my experiences today, the precedent is set.

This "£5 Guarantee" certainly appeals to me, as it's not a huge price to pay for breaking a promise. I guarantee things all the time and generally deliver on them, but if I had known that I could cop out for just 5 quid, it instantly becomes a different ball game. For example, when taking students away on a school trip:

Me: "I can guarantee that Johnny will not come back in a full body cast."
Parents (a week later): "Why is our son in a full body cast?"
Me: "My mistake. Here's a fiver."

or another situation

Me: "I can guarantee that I won't steal all the money out of your bank accounts."
Them: "Where's the money from all my bank accounts?"
Me: "Damn. Here, I'll lend you £5."

According to its annual report for the year ended 26 March 2006, Royal Mail delivers 84 million items every working day and has a network of 14,376 post offices. Revenue for the year was £9.056 billion, and profits before tax were £312 million.

That means that on top of the 84 million items that they can deliver every day they could potentially fail to deliver about a quarter of a million a day and pay out for it (I've halved the real number. I'm sure they have operating costs). What a great backup plan. I'm definitely going to keep a roll of fivers on me from now on.

Anyway, Sarah, if you're reading this, we're sorry and your present is going to be a day late.

I guarantee.